Say cheese . . .

Is it so much to ask for? One passport photo that doesn't make me want to burst out in tears - one - just one . . . PLEASE!

I am preparing to have a my expired passport renewed. This will be my third passport and all I want is to have a photo that I can live with for the next ten years. I am not asking for a beautiful portrait but honestly, I would appreciate it being at least as attractive as my DMV photo. :)

Let me just take you down passport photo lane . . .

My first passport was obtained in 1986. I was 19 years old and very naive to the world of travel. I had an opportunity to travel to (then known as) West Germany. I knew that I needed the passport to travel overseas but I knew nothing about the document itself. So, after a long day at the outdoor pool, I headed to the photographer with wet straight hair, a sunburned nose and a bright Hawaiian style shirt. I then proceeded to sit on the stool and make chit-chat with the photographer as he was preparing to take my picture. The conversation surrounded my upcoming travels and I was more than happy to show my enthusiasm when the photographer said "say cheese". Being a bit pudgy, I have squinty eyes, a sunburned nose (just reminding you), a lot of teeth and stringy hair. And that was my first passport. I can recall thinking, "when this baby expires, I will NOT have a horrific picture like this".

In 1996, it was time to renew the passport and I had matured, moved out on my own and gone from "pudgy" to "extra pudgy". I was nearly 300 pounds and trying to grow my hair out at the time this picture was taken. However, I was also much more worldly. I knew how I wanted my picture to look (considering what there was to work with) and I was well aware that this would be my document for the next ten years. All I wanted to do was to have a passport that I wasn't ashamed to be carrying. So, I took the day off from both of my jobs. I spent a HUGE amount of time on my makeup and hair and I carefully picked out a shirt that would emphasis and highlight how green my eyes are. Then, went off to have the photo taken. It turned out fantastically. (Again, considering what they had to work with.) I was ready renew my passport!

By 2002, I had lost some weight - almost 110 pounds and I was off to London for vacation. My "lovely" picture that I had put so much care into back in 1996, was now causing me issues as Immigration agents struggled to determine if the person in the picture was the person standing in front of them. Normally, I would appreciate a double take of this kind but post 9/11 the scrutiny made me extremely uncomfortable. I felt like I was in a line up waiting for them to tell me I was free to go. A number of people gave me compliments on the weight loss but by the time that was delivered, all I wanted to do was to find a restroom!

Now, it is 2007. My passport expired in 2006 and needs to be renewed. I have come to the point in life where I think a valid passport is a necessity. Mind you, I felt this way long before the "new Immigration laws" became effective at the beginning of the year. Well, since the 2002 trip, I have managed to reclaim 50 of the lost pounds and I find myself once again trying to grow out my hair. If only I could afford extensions like the "Hollywood starlets". Not only is it at that "awkward" stage (that I never seem to get past) but it is graying and has terrible 3/4 inch roots as it has grown since my last coloring process. Where is Jessica Simpson and her gay Pervie friend when I need them?

Not wanting to back down from a challenge and having some time on my hands, I decided to tackle my hair and perfect my make up and then head off to have my passport photo taken. So, I spent the time fixing my hair, doing my makeup and picking out a sweater that would look great in the photo and hopefully take some emphasis off my "bad roots". Then, I headed off to the local Cash Wise market that also has a photo lab, a flower shop, a deli and a video store. They offer passport photos for only $6.99. Okay, it's a grocery store that boasts lower prices and gives a free item each week if you spend $25.oo or more. What the hell was I thinking?

So, I get there. I had checked my makeup and my hair in the rear view mirror. (Like my hair was still going to look like that when I got to the store considering I had to park about 8 stalls from the door and it is February in Minnesota.) But, I had practiced my smile and I was certain it was "all good". I got into the store, went up to the counter and told the youngster at the counter that I needed a passport photo. Her response, "No problem. Just follow me." She grabbed the digital camera and took me back out into the lobby area of the grocery store and proceeded to pull down a white screen attached to the wall behind a row of carts. She asked me to stand in front of the screen and she would take my picture. To the right of me are the public restrooms for men and women, the large "crane machine" that you win a giant koush ball from and the free publications related to housing and jobs in the St Cloud area. Oh yeah, not to mention it is the exit door of the supermarket. To the left of me is the entrance door with people stopping to to get their grocery cart, slap their little monster into the child seat and see what specials are set up in the lobby. And to wonder what the chubby dork standing in front of the white screen on the wall is doing. The few moments it took for all this to happen seemed like forever. Finally, she told me to smile and snapped the picture. She looked at it and said "that will work". I followed her back to the photo lab and she told me it would be just a few minutes to get the picture developed. So I sat waiting on the chair for my picture to get developed thinking "I'm pretty sure this will be a good picture and then I just need to mail the application." The clerk told me my photo was ready. I went to the counter and paid for the photo. As I walked out of the photo shop to head back to my car, I wasn't feeling very good about this whole experience. I know it sounds snobbish but it felt like I had lowered myself to the level of "thrift store shopper". Which is really strange considering this store is our grocery store of choice and I've never felt like it was "discount" shopping. Once in my car, I opened the envelope to see my photo and immediately said out loud "oh HELL NO - I'm not carrying this for the next ten years". You should see the photo - well, actually, no - you shouldn't see the photo. But let me tell you, I do not look that crappy on a bad day!

Who would ever guess there is this much internal and external drama and anxiety regarding a 2 inch by 2 inch photo?

As dumb as it may sound, it is extremely important to me. I know I will never look like a Hollywood hottie but I know I don't look like a bag lady either.

I headed home knowing that there would be a definate delay on the passport renewal. I also thought how dumb I was, it was a digital picture - why didn't I ask to see it before we got back into the photo shop? Hindsight . . . I was a bit emabarrassed and humiliated from the whole photo taking process.

So the saga continues . . . I have made an appointment with my hairdresser on the 15th of March. I will have her fix the roots, fix the hair and I will go to a shop where they allow you to review the photo before they print it so you know it is usable!